Two eyes, Two ears, One mouth.

Ever in a tense situation and suspected it could turn ugly quickly?  Tension and emotion was high, situation was mission critical and participants were frustrated.  Oh, only yesterday you say!  Here are three quick things you can do to defuse tense situations.  These tips were recently presented at a CPE seminar I attended.  I thought they may come in handy.

It was said we have two eyes and ears for a reason.  To listen, observe, learn and understand.  The ratio is 4:1 assuming everything, eyes/ears/mouth, are working correctly.  In defusing and resolving conflict we need to speak less than ¼ of the time.

• First explore active listening. This conveys respect:
  • Be empathetic, attentive and acknowledge that you are listening and hearing what is said. “I hear why that could be upsetting (frustrating, etc.)”
  • Feed back substantive facts “let me make sure I understand…”
  • Pause, listen and focus on the face, ask for more. “can you tell me more”
• Next reframe: 
  • Take the toxic or negative statements out of what you heard and restate in possible terms.  Person complains that everyone did a lousy job and numbers are down. Restate as “let’s talk about how we can possibly bring the numbers up”.
  • Stick to the underlying facts and focus on possibilities. This encourages collaborative and creative thought.
• Use I statements:
  • I statements take responsibility for your emotions and behavior.
    • When (this happens, stick to the fact) I feel/get (angry, confused, frustrated, worried, etc) because (state the result).

I had a chance recently to deliberately deploy these listening skills and have to admit that I needed to control myself.  I had to concentrate on listening and pausing.  I probed and waited for more.  My comments and recommendations were articulate and relevant.  

The client was tense but respectful at the beginning of the meeting. Body language relaxed during the meeting.  Overall the result was very productive and positive. We left with a sense of accomplishment and increased our mutual respect. 

Sometimes listening and communication is rushed.  Maybe it is time to slow down a little and concentrate on what is real. cathyg