Keeping Calm While Effectively Dealing With Difficult People

Handling a difficult client, neighbor, friend or relative can be a challenge, especially if you don’t have the right tools. Is ignoring the person’s behavior the right move or should you confront them in the same aggressive manner? There are many questions that come up when thinking of the best possible solutions to deal with an impolite person.  I attended an Arizona Society of CPAs’ seminar on that topic on Aug. 28, and I learned a thing or two, not only from the presenter, but also from the attendees.

It was great listening to some of the stories about how the participants dealt with a difficult customer, colleague, sibling or even spouse.  Some even admitted to being recovering difficult people themselves, so the honesty in the room was refreshing.

One of the most important things I learned was to be aware of your own bad behavior and to make sure you don’t exhibit any of the characteristics of the five types of difficult people that the presenter, Lee Shapiro, described in detail in her presentation. If you are exhibiting these behaviors, then be aware of them and make the necessary changes if you want to stay married, keep a job or hold on to your few remaining friends.

Lee Shapiro did a wonderful job of identifying the different types of difficult people and she provided concrete ways to deal effectively with their respective behaviors. Below are some of the personality types Lee described and ways to deal with them:

Sherman Tank—these individuals may appear abusive, intimidating and overwhelming. They seem to attack anyone standing in their way to get what they want.

Here are some of the ways to deal with Sherman Tanks:

1. You may need to give them time to vent.  Maintain eye contact and wait patiently.
2. Stand up for what you believe. They expect you to be intimidated. If you don’t stand up for yourself, they’ll win and ignore you all together.
3. When talking, speak from your point of view:  this is how I see it…

Snipers—this type of person makes negative comments about an individual either behind their back or just loud enough to be heard.  The negative remark is completed by a smile or a laugh. Even though it makes the individuals around the sniper feel uncomfortable, they don’t know what to do and often just smile back or ignore the comment.  It will continue until the victim decides to bring it into the open.

Here are some of the ways to deal with Snipers:

1. Bring the attack to the surface. Ask the Sniper questions, i.e., did you really mean what you said? Did you mean that as a dig? What do you think about my suggestion? Respond to the Sniper with a question rather than a statement.
2. The Sniper may deny the attack. Once brought into the open, Snipers may be less likely to snipe in the future or they’ll tell you how they really feel and what they are upset about.
3. If they open up and explain what is bothering them, discuss it with an open mind. There may be something to what they are saying but stick to the facts.

Constant Complainer—most people complain at one time or another but are actively looking for an answer to their problem. Constant Complainers usually complain but never do anything about it. You may try to give advice, but they don’t want to listen. When they’re blamed for anything, they always try to put the blame back on that individual. You leave them and feel exhausted.

Here are some ways to deal with the Constant Complainers:

1. Acknowledge that you heard them and paraphrase what they’re saying.
2. Interrupt them if the complaint goes on and on.
3. Start to problem-solve and ask them what they would like to see happen to improve or correct the situation.

Remember, difficult people will not go away, so learning to deal with them is your best option. Consider the difficult person as objectively as possible and refuse to take things they say personally.  Always attempt to problem solve and restate the problem from both perspectives and brainstorm ways to deal with the situation.

Most importantly, you should never tolerate or ignore inappropriate behavior. Ignoring the harmful actions of an individual doesn’t work. If left unaddressed, the situation usually gets worse.  Neglecting to address it only allows the conflict to simmer below the surface and it often ascends to the top in unproductive and unexpected ways. If you encounter a difficult person at work, home or elsewhere, help that person to recognize his or her unpleasant attitude. Bring in reinforcements if you have to. If that doesn’t work, then “kill” them with kindness.

I learned plenty from Lee’s presentation and I wanted to share what I learned.  If you’d like to learn more from Lee Shapiro, I encourage you to visit her Web site at www.coachleeshapiro.com.  Best of luck!